Wait and Pray

I know God is working so I just wait and pray!!

(encouraging words..from Joanie Rubash)

Rrrrring.....in Jazzy tones.

I have this new Jazzy Tone as my ringer on my cell. It is so mellow and "cool", that often it does not sink in that my cell phone is ringing.

I was in a meeting this am, just got out of it and in the middle my cell phone started playing.

I thought, this is it, this is it...in the middle of this meeting today, I am going to find out that Mame is mine!

I hardly ever get phone calls at work in the am on my phone. My calls are either my mom, kids or our au pair and they normally happen in the afternoon or evening. SO a ring is something special!

I scramble for my purse....thinking how to do keep facilitating this meeting and handle my phone call....I find the phone, look at the screen to see if it is that non-memorized phone number from Grace......

It was not. :(

I was just so sure today would be the day. This is the week I NEED it to be, for all my summer plans. This is the week that Wednesday are the open case days. I have been an open case (not basket case, open case :) ) for 68 days now. Can't imagine there are ones open longer...... But they probably are. Plus I doubt if they are going on a first in first out bases. Who knows if my paperwork is even done. I am clueless...

But in the words of Joanie Rubash, on another matter on my heart:

I know God is working so I just wait and pray!!

Amen....and listen for that Jazzy tone on my cellphone.

Some hopeful news....

I got some hopeful news today, from the office manager, (I think that is her title) from our agency. She said, regarding the cases that are sitting open at court:

"Due to the huge amount of open cases the courts have right now, they aredesignating Wednesday as open case day. They will hear open cases part of the day Wednesdays until they are through them all.This doesn't mean this upcoming Wednesday they will hear all, obviously, we have at least 15 open cases right now and every other agency has as many so it will take some time to get to all of us. At least they recognize the problem and have come up with a plan!"

I know the chances of us being in the first batch is slim, and I don't know if they go be who has been waiting the longest, I kind of doubt it....but wouldn't if be glorious if THIS Wednesday we actually passed court??!!!!

This Sunday, my three little ones and I went back for prayer during the service...and our prayer with the pastor, was that Mame would pass court so we can take the next step to bring her home.

Keep praying with us please..... Also pray for Wubitu and Henery....Mame's best friend. They have court tomorrow Monday. Pray we hear awesome news!

A call to prayer...

There is patience and there is also prayer. Please help me pray Mame through the courts.

Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

2 Corinthians 10:4For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;

If you are a praying person, please, truly, join with me in prayer to bring her home.... I would love for you to post a prayer her in the comments section. If you pray the word, please pray it on her behalf.

Matthew 18:19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.Matthew 18:18-20

James 5:16The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Abba,

You are an awesome God, powerful and loving. And you DO reign over all courts, powers, people and things. I ask for your powerful hand to reach out on Mame's behalf. Stop any work of our enemy, and open the doors to move her case to resolution. I pray you will protect her body, heart, and soul and you will bring a favorable decision now. You are our compassionate Father and ruling King. You love the orphan and you put the lonely in families. Now is the time Abba, I am pleading, now is the time. I am asking you move in such a way that your glory will spread around your works. Bring Mame home....and bring Wubitu and Henery home too. I ask the same for them, a favorable result on Monday.

By the love and sacrifice of Jesus, who purchased the price for us to plead boldly at the foot of your throne. We love you. We need you. Amen.

Melissa refreshed my perspective.....

I am done whining. :)

I needed a perspective adjustment, and Melissa was just the person to give it to me!

Melissa's Blog

Thank you Lord~

The substance of waiting.....

It is so hard to wait, isn't it? Even harder when you do not know how long the wait is and where your progress is along that "wait line".

I load a program on my computer, or surf off to a website and I get little blue or green lines showing my progress. The only reason these show up it for MY benefit to feel like progress is being made and the wait will soon be over.

My adoption experience this time around, is not like this. I do not remember a wait like this for anything else in my life. Ever. Even my last adoption, take two years, I did not have a wait like this. Each time a had a milestone up ahead with a date and timeframe tied to it and it happened when it was scheduled to happen. My biggest wait was waiting the two months for approval from China...but they said it would take two months and it did!! It took two months.

I am finding myself becoming ..... what? cynical? or maybe more skeptical. Where cynical doubts motives, skeptical suspends judgement due to doubt.

I don't doubt motives. I believe the motives are good. I am becoming a skeptic. I am suspending not just judgement, but joy.

Someone announces a court date and is happy. I keep quiet. :( My skeptic mind thinks, that doesn't mean anything. You could have 7 court dates and be no closer. (Yea, I know, ugly, huh? Or you could have one and breeze through.) I scoff internally as someone plans a potential date to travel, when they don't even have a court date yet.

I HATE that about myself. SO I keep quiet. I have quit talking about it. Quit talking about adoption, or my daughter or the process. Quit asking about how my case is going.... (trying hard, I ask about every two weeks now...but even that is dwindling). Quit probing for information.

Quit planning on this summer and trying to losely sketch in plans.... and that part makes me cry.

And all that resounds in my mind and heart is WHY??!!!! Why can't someone take the 20 minutes to look in my file tell me where along the route this illusive piece of paper is and let me know? Why must this case get bounced out of court three times and just hang here? Why Mame? Why is this one the one sitting open at court going on 61 days now?

See why I don't talk? She why I try to just ignore that I am in the middle of this process?

And what is so odd about all this.... is I do trust in God. I do know He knows. I do know He has plans. I do know He says "Wait on me", and I do know He has reasons I will never fathom and even some reasons I can get a peek at.

I know that. And many days, most days, that trust and faith is the substance of my waiting.... and I am ok.

And then, some days, like today, I rail against my blank waiting line....and feel the edges of my soul get grouchy. On those days, He loves me just the same, He loves Mame just the same, His plan is still unfolding....and maybe, He hugs me a little tighter.

Like Hannah, I am praying from my heart for my child. I do not want to get bitterness of soul. Lord, keep me from it.

Sitting Open...

Open: 1: having no enclosing or confining barrier : accessible on all or nearly all sides 2 a (1): being in a position or adjustment to permit passage : not shut or locked (2): having a barrier so adjusted as to allow passage b: having the lips parted c: not buttoned or zipped

Court: conduct or attention intended to win favor

No news.... I am still sitting "open at court"

No barrier, win favor, permit passage, mouth wide open!!! Say YES! Tomorrow would be the right day to say YES!

Curly Q

I got a picture today, from another returning mommy... I just love Mame's lovely, curly hair!

Can't show you her, but here is part of her hair!

Special....

Sitting with an open court date, when it feels like everyone else has a specific court date (and I know from experience, a specific court date does not have any more assurance of when you will pass court....since I have had three specific court dates) ...makes you special. :)

So, here are my thoughts on it, (as if you wanted them...lol!)

Since I have been sitting with an open court since Feb 26, here is what makes it special:) :

-I have some paperwork that needs to get done. If I did not have an open courtdate, then when the paperwork is finally done, I would have to wait anadditional 4 to 8 weeks for a court date....this way when it is done, I go to court that week.

-I get to deepen my trust and faith and hope in God and His timing and plan for our lives.

-I get to live spontaneously with all summer plans up in the air. (lol..notlikey this one so much).

-I get to resist buying all those cute little girl spring clothes, because Imight need summer clothes instead, or heaven forbid fall clothes, and I don'tknow what her size will be.

-I get to be in the silent background, when court dates are prayed over and expected with bated breath.

-I get to wonder what is going on a lot.

-I get to be totally surprized one day....

-I get to go through all these emotions and eat lots and lots of chocolate. (and that is really healthy for you...check here: http://www.girl.com.au/chocfullofacts.htm)

SO it is special...just not in the way I thought, like oh it is going to happen really really soon. :(

On the note of totally surprized one day....go see how Jacelyn was surprized TODAY! She has been sitting with an open court since Feb 26th, just like me....and her wait has been longer. http://jjandawilkinson.blogspot.com/2009/04/this-morning-i-was-laying-in-bed-trying.html

On the not of wondering what is going on a lot, here is the update from today:

"I found out today that MOWA has two of their staff members out for training lastcouple of weeks. They are short staffed, of course, and are not able toaccommodate any of the open cases until the staff members return. I don't know when they return."

When does waiting become forgetting......

Somedays.....I forget that I am waiting. :(

Untroubled and Undisturbed...

And the God of peace {wholeness, untroubled and undisturbed well-being} will be with you.

Phil 4:9b (Amplifed Version)

You are a hinding place for me...you surround me with songs and shouts of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time {in due time} we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Gal 6:9

Dark night....

Yes....waiting in the dark is hard. Many days I am ok, and do fine....some days are harder though...and I finally break down and email or call, what's up.

I did that today...

And I have mixed feelings and am upset, but still why be upset, God is in control, even when it seems like it is all messed up. I have to trust Him.

I found out what I was told before is not true. :( I hate that. I hate mixed communication. I know with so many cases, it is hard, etc etc. But to me, it is us and this little girl and it is not so many, it is personal.

I found out that MOWA was NOT told to make an immediate recommendation on March 12th, like I was told they were. So all along I have been waiting on something that was not true and so confused on how an immediate recommendation could take 20 days! And why the other two families got their immediate recommendation and I did not. :(

I found out my lost file was found. Not sure when, guess that doesn't matter. I am still sitting open, pending.

I found out the same old issue is the issue that is holding me up. That they are trying to find the uncle that relinquished Olivia and I guess they have not been able to find him. That was the same issue back in January, on that court date. So they still are trying? Still can't find him.

I found out, at the same time that they are trying to locate him, they have filed paperwork to change her status to abandoned, since they cannot find him. And that paperwork can take ????? no one knows how long. They think shorter than a month, but no news on when it was actually filed or how long it actually takes.

So I am not sure if I really know anything? I guess I do. I know what it is not. And I know what they are doing.

So do I feel better?

Not really. I cried. Out of frustration, dissappointment, and just heart ache sadness.

I think I will stop eargerly checking my email every morning. And stop making this plan or that plan for the summer. The only reassurance I got was that they should be through before court closes. COURT CLOSES in AUGUST!!!!!!

Father, you know this...you know all this and more! Although I do not understand why, I do believe you are loving, and powerful and fully in charge. I have prayed and asked, so it is not I have not because I ask not. So there is some other reason that YOU KNOW the timing would be better later than sooner...so again I surrender my will. Not my will but yours.

Mail Your Red Envelope

I interrupt the regular adoptoin blogging, to bring this important message:

Join thousands of Americans in speaking up for the babies who are murdered by abortion.

Today is the day to pick up a pack of red envelopes at Office Depot (or anywhere else for that matter), address them to President Obama, attach your return address and a stamp, and mail them tomorrow (Tuesday, March 31st).

Each red envelope will represent a child whose life was taken through abortion. As red envelopes flood his mailbox, may President Obama come to his senses and miraculously have a change of heart concerning laws that can protect babies.

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W.
Washington , D.C. 20500

Write this on the back:

This envelope represents one child who died in abortion.
It is empty because that life was unable to offer anything to the world.
Responsibility begins with conception.

A year ago....

As I stalk my email each day, longing and searching for that very special email that will say I passed court....I think back to some very important email exchanges a year ago!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 25th 2008:

Email from Grace: hey give me a call when you get a chance

Sandee Reply: I have a 30 minute meeting right now, but will call when I am done. :)

Phone call - Grace: There is this little 6 year old girl I want to tell you about.........

{grin..lots of excited talking}

Next email from Grace: Here she is! (Pictures attached)

A photo of a precious a precious little girl with a scared, tentative smile and deer-in-the-headlight almond shaped eyes, in a pink and purple stripped sweater standing in front of a corrugated tin wall. Mame....

March 27, 2008

More emails, more pictures, hunting through the yahoo groups snapfish account to see more pictures (Praise the Lord for Julia M, who took lots of photos!)

Email from Grace : Here is a new picture of Mame. She is gorgeous!!

Reply Sandee: It is funny, yesterday, even though I did not know if she was mine yet, I bought her a shirt that says gorgeous on it! LOL!

Reply Grace: Thats funny! I see nothing that would stand in the way on this one!!

March 27th 2008 I accepted my referral for my precious daughter to be...Olivia Mame ...

I don't think a day goes by that I do not think about her. I pray for her often, relook at all her pictures, try to learn more about all I will need to know, to be a better mommy to her and her brothers and sister waiting here for her. God has her and the timing of her joining our family all in His plans.

I guess today is my referral anniversary! :)

I am NOT afraid....

I am not afraid.... now...I was...

When I am afraid, I will trust in you, Abba.

You hold us and her in your hands. We are yours.

...

Got news, that there is no bad news. no new news, no good news, but no bad news.

Still open, pending, waiting.

I need Africa...and China too....

So you have probably heard that phrase. I need Africa....

I need the reality and perspective change it brings..... The wake-up call to what is true and essential. You must read this story, that a precious daughter told her momma, regarding her life in Ethiopia....before she came to America....

..."told me about how in Ethiopia she didn’t have any shoes ... She said her and Elizabeth’s feet got burned and were bleeding because the ground was hot and things got poked in them that had to be picked out (maybe glass) because they were walking, walking, walking and had no shoes. ..."

http://peculiarsmith.blogspot.com/2009/03/are-you-wealthy.html

Go read the rest of it.... well worth the perspective adjustment. {Thank you Rebecca and Ruby, for the perspective adjustment.}

A year of Hope...

I let the day slip by on the calendar, but not in my heart. On St. Patty's Day, March 17th, Mame had been in Hope's Place, the orphanage for one year!

A year older. A year without some things, but probably not things she missed, but things she has never known.

But it was also a year full of things. A year full of food, and safety, a warm bed, clothes, friends to play with, school, a roof over her head and a future...although unknown to her.

A year of a family far away from her, praying for her, working to get paperwork done, to secure a future for her. She may have not known...but God knew. A year of Hope.

And as we wait for news...each week thinking, it could be this week I hear something, maybe even tomorrow.... we walk forward into this second year, still full of hope.

"I know the plans I have for you, Mame, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans for a hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Hope...

I did it!

96 pages, over 400 photos (yes) and a year of waiting.

I have Mame's scrapbook all done!

That is, until the next families comes home with more photos!

Whew! It feels like an accomplishment.

My first photos are from Feb 2008 and my most recent from Feb 2009.

Something accomplished while I wait.

What news will this week bring?

Who knows when I may hear some news? And will it be the long awaited good news?

I plan to take the summer off with Olivia Mame. I have 5 weeks vacation saved up and can take 6 weeks of Family Leave. Although one of those 6 is not paid, and the other five are paid at 55% of your pay..... SO I have to save up as much money as I can between now and then...which is SOOOO HARD for me to do! Please pray for me, that I can do this. With Christ all things are possible, including me saving money!

I have so much family bonding time planned for me and the kids this summer and do not want the stress of money to pay the bills hanging over my head.

I wonder what I will hear this week, and when?

ps. I can't sleep. I wonder if that is a sign? I tried to go to sleep. Tossed and turned. So I turned on the light and did a days devotional in The Beloved Disciple (Beth Moore). It was good, about God having a unique plan for each of us that only lovc can motivate us to walk. Then I read Psalm 14 and 15. Light back off. Prayed for my parents, each of my kids, my brother and his family, the folks at church who are out of work and looking for a job. Still no sleep. Light back on, checked email, checked a few blogs....and here I am, still not sleeping...

sigh...

And Abba loves each and everyone...

On this journey to daughters, one at home and one I am still waiting for, and this may sound dumb, I have only recently come to realize it is not about my desire for family, for a daughter, or second daughter. It is not about me being a momma, their momma. Although both of those are there.... It is about a little girl needing the rest of her life. She had a momma, one she probably loved and will miss her whole life long. Even if she grows to not remember her, the thought of the fact that she had a birth momma will be something she could always grieve.

I am not here to replace that. No ME momma possessiveness over her heart. Sounds silly. Selfish, but with my other daughter, I struggled with that at first. God has grown in my heart and emotions.

I see now, it is about her life. About love and nuturing and being a second momma to love her her whole life long. I pray her first momma knew Jesus. I want to dance at the day in heaven I would be able to hold her hand and smile over her daughter, who become my daughter, too.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27