Is this the hardest thing I'll ever do?

I don't think so. I am sure it is not. But it feels hard today.

To keep believing, keep hoping, keep waiting, keep being in the dark.

I get grumpy over it.

See I don't trust. I don't trust that anyone is doing anything or really cares, or can do anything or is even giving my case a second thought...

or if they do, it is, yea that one...and move the file aside. Because it is hard.

So I sometimes think, why not just stop it. Say you are done, ask for all your money back. Go adopt an easier case? Be done, move on with your life. Let them figure it out some day, and then someone else will be able to adopt her.

Sounds cold huh? It is cold. But see our relationship is only a couple photos and a few gift bags, right?

And 18 months of praying and thinking and talking and waiting and hoping and emotional investing and ...

How can it be, that this one, this girl, Mame, is the one when we have never met? Why not someone else?

I don't know. But she is. It's Mame, and its hard.

I do not trust man. Sorry, I have heard too many sad, sad stories, gotten too much bad news, conflicting news and changing stories, to trust man.

So do I trust God? YES! I do. Without a second's thought. But the challenge is not in trusting God, it is in knowing what God will do. for reason's beyond my knowing God moves and does and doesn't do things that seem to logical thought something that He would do. (or wouldn't).

So, although I know God is with me. I know God has been along this journey each step and that nothing surprizes him in the least, I don't know what He knows and has planned on the outcome. He may have the hardest day ahead of me yet. I do not know.

But I have never seen: just quit, give up, walk around crabby, be despressed, as a choice on His path.

So I go in, hand poised to turn the calendar from August to September (again), not waiting on a court date, not waiting on the rains to stop (am I?), not waiting on the courts to reopen, but waiting on I don't know what and waiting on God to reveal what's next.

And a little girl, Mame, still has a home and a momma and a little sister and two big brothers and a Nanny and a Papa and a sometimes naughty puppy all waiting for her. Still.

I