Friday, August 28, 2009

Is this the hardest thing I'll ever do?

I don't think so. I am sure it is not. But it feels hard today.

To keep believing, keep hoping, keep waiting, keep being in the dark.

I get grumpy over it.

See I don't trust. I don't trust that anyone is doing anything or really cares, or can do anything or is even giving my case a second thought...

or if they do, it is, yea that one...and move the file aside. Because it is hard.

So I sometimes think, why not just stop it. Say you are done, ask for all your money back. Go adopt an easier case? Be done, move on with your life. Let them figure it out some day, and then someone else will be able to adopt her.

Sounds cold huh? It is cold. But see our relationship is only a couple photos and a few gift bags, right?

And 18 months of praying and thinking and talking and waiting and hoping and emotional investing and ...

How can it be, that this one, this girl, Mame, is the one when we have never met? Why not someone else?

I don't know. But she is. It's Mame, and its hard.

I do not trust man. Sorry, I have heard too many sad, sad stories, gotten too much bad news, conflicting news and changing stories, to trust man.

So do I trust God? YES! I do. Without a second's thought. But the challenge is not in trusting God, it is in knowing what God will do. for reason's beyond my knowing God moves and does and doesn't do things that seem to logical thought something that He would do. (or wouldn't).

So, although I know God is with me. I know God has been along this journey each step and that nothing surprizes him in the least, I don't know what He knows and has planned on the outcome. He may have the hardest day ahead of me yet. I do not know.

But I have never seen: just quit, give up, walk around crabby, be despressed, as a choice on His path.

So I go in, hand poised to turn the calendar from August to September (again), not waiting on a court date, not waiting on the rains to stop (am I?), not waiting on the courts to reopen, but waiting on I don't know what and waiting on God to reveal what's next.

And a little girl, Mame, still has a home and a momma and a little sister and two big brothers and a Nanny and a Papa and a sometimes naughty puppy all waiting for her. Still.



  1. My heart is heavy for you. What can I say that you don't already know?
    So today, no words of wisdom...just the knowledge that someone weeps with you.

  2. I'm not sure if my last post went through. If so, please ignore this one :). I know this has to be so hard, heart rending. God is SO much bigger than governments or laws. He has his hand on your daughter. So much is beyond our mere vision here on earth, whether it's another child who literally could not survive with out Mame in Ethiopia, or another reason beyond being able to fathom....God is working his beautiful and amazing plan even through a time that seems so dark and ugly. I have posted about Olivia on my site. I will share (on Monday) with our prayer chain which is over 200 people. Know God is moving. God is listening. He is SO amazing and loves you and your family so much...that includes your newest daughter Mame. You may not have gone through court, but her footprints lay on your heart and she is the daughter of your heart. May God's hand rest on you and bring you peace until Mame is in your arms.

  3. Sandee,

    You are in my prayers. Just keep swimming.

  4. This IS the hardest thing I've ever done as well, so I certainly can relate to you and your situation. All we have left is God and his changing circumstances. I will pray that God will make a way... and he will. And whatever it is, it will be to his glory.