362, 698, 730....

730 days since I started this adoption journey for Olivia Mame....

698 days since her referral....

362 days since our last (third failed attempted) court date.......

....we are on the edge of happy.....

I got news today that a new court date is being requested (filed) for Mame, because all her paperwork is "ready"! Happy Dance.

(Now I have to get the updated POA sent to Addis, and am waiting to get fingerprinted for my new 171H).

sigh...sitting happy.

Edging closer.......

It bears repeating:

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." - Proverbs 25:11

"As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country." - Proverbs 25:25

So I have to get a new POA notorized, authenticated and what ever that other thing is off to Assistant Stork.

I am still waiting on the new 171H (Still waiting on the homestudy agency to send the homestudy to the USCIS)...and then get fingerprinted...ONE MORE TIME....

But I am still happy!

.... we are edging closer to you, Mame....

What a difference a day makes....

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." - Proverbs 25:11

"As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country." - Proverbs 25:25

I have used this photo before, but it bears repeating. :)

It is funny how a little word, a little clarification, one sentence, can spring hope and excitement where none had been.

We may have progress (awesome, stalled for 16 months type progress) on Mame's case. The coming weeks will tell if this news is the hope I hope it is.

Smiling today.....

Two Step....

One step forward, two steps sideways..... no end in sight.

I know there is an end, someday...right?

I saw new pictures today, of Mame being read the letter we sent her...the "you are not forgotten".

Yet, I have no idea if it is months, year. ever.....

I don't give up. I pencil in plans....remain flexible. Pray, hope, and hang on.

I think we are at point "B", {z actually} only to find out we are at point "zero" or 24, who knows.... When you are at a step, and you don't know how many there are {and it seems like eternal steps without end}...you are not sure, as you hear "supposed" progress...is this closer, is this sideways, or is this backwards.

Cotton-eyed Joe without the fun music, and twirly skirt.

And this is where I trust the Father, without understanding. I have asked. Other's have asked....so it is not a "you have not because you ask not". I have prayed fervently...so power and effectiveness has been brought to the cause, even when I don't see it. I have no idea of the "why" of the delay, in God's eyes. I know He is all-powerful, all loving, I can see changes for the good he has made {is making} in her momma and siblings....better prepared I am sure.

So we do what we do. I wished I could get thrilled on side-step news, new photos. :( I am sorry that I do not. I love the photos...but they are also sad. I love news. Makes me know that something is happening. ..... but I do not know if it is almost there news, or just another step in the long and winding road.

So lovely daughter, far away....life will change one day. There will be lots of laughter, tons of hugs, new wonders, and strange food. :) And I am sure some sibling squabbles. But it will start...someday...I hope.

Meanwhile we take one step forward and two steps sideways....

Happy Valentines Day!

New Pics...fresh ache

I saw new pictures of my daughter today. Ones taken last week. I wish you could see them! She is so beautiful. Becoming a lovely young lady, without a momma.

22 months we have been waiting.

I sent a letter over with a family leaving tomorrow... just to ask her to keep believing, and we love her and miss her and cannot wait for her to come home.

All the clothes are too small, but we will have fun shopping.

Oh, Lord how long? How about now? Is it time now?

In a Bible Study I am doing with some other ladies, this week, it talked about how hard it can be some times to get to our promise land. That it takes a lot of spiritual muscle building (faith, hope, prayer, trust, grace, believing) to get to our promise. And that is because once we get our promise, it takes a lot of spiritual muscle to keep it from our enemy who is out to kill and steal and destroy.

I know from the experience in the trenches that being a "broken momma of broken children" IS hard! {and wonderful!} And that it daily takes the grace, faith and trust from God, that it took to become a moma.

So I know that. I know these 22 plus months have taught me a lot, brought me further on in healing, and that I have far to go. I know I will NEVER be truly ready. But God's grace will fill the gap. I have to believe, Lord, that she is ready. That she has waited long enough.

Soon, Lord, please, soon.

She wears a cross on her neck, a great reminder in where our trust is.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.

On Christ the solid rock, I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand

all other ground is sinking sand.

Bittersweet....

bittersweet: being at once bitter and sweet; especially : pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret

I finally recieved a new picture of Olivia Mame today....the last few batches of pictures, from traveling families brining there children home, did not contain any pictures of her. I was worried. Fearing she was hiding from the camera, the vivacious girl who is normally upfront and out there!

Today I saw a picture of her and the tears rolled.

Such a bittersweet little Mona Lisa smile on her face. And her eyes so big and sad. My heart melts like chocolate.

I have had word that she feels she is forgotten. That she had a spell of refusing to talk to the workers, because they do not have a family for her. (Or at least one who will come and get her! I am sure our photo album and care packages have long been forgotten. How could you expect a child to hold on to that, day after day?)

I have heard her real name is Hiwot or Hewit...and that it means Life. After 22 months of "Mame", (which I am told is a "house" name or nick name)... it is hard to wrap my head around a different name... I have heard that others call her by Hiwot though, as well as Mame....

You are not forgotten dear one. You are not. By me or by God. I promise!

You are spoken of and prayed for and heart-loved constantly.

Image 0220, in the light blue shirt with the sad smile, you are my daughter.

Please Pray...

Please pour on the prayers for my girl right now...it is much needed.

The enemy of our lives would love to keep us in chaos, fear, anger, and alone.

Our God is mighty in power, His understanding has no limit. He can breakdown any stronghold and overcome any impediment that man would raise.

After 22 months, we need to pray Mame home....would you join me?

The waters can look overwhelming, but there is a little soul at stake...and our God, El Roi, is the God who sees....

Abba, Mame, she needs you...on the white charger, to come to her recue. We cannot do this without you. Only you can fight the odds and bring her home. Calm the storm, right the wrongs, save the hearts and rescue your daughter......my maker, my husband, I have no where else to turn but to you, please, rescue your daughter.

Sandee

Melkam Ganna, sweet Mame....

It was Christmas today in Ethiopia...

Mame's second Christmas in the orphanage. Last year we were blessed that there were families traveling on this day and I have photos of the Christmas celebration at her orphanage.

They had songs and treats and new shirts, a small tree and a goat for dinner!

With all our worries and wait I have with bringing Mame home, she had a special day today.

I pray for each and every one of the children in her orphanage:

Ah Abba,

you see them,

you love them,

your plans for them ache in your heart as it does in ours.

Your power and understanding has no limits...

I pray for each child there, every one, not ONE left behind.

Move I pray on their behalf...move for them I pray.

Bless them all, as they sleep right now after a special, exciting day.

Amen..

Melkam Ganna little ones!

.....

Merry Christmas, Baby girl....

surely next year...... surely.

Jubilee.....

"...a little girl without a family for almost 8 years now has a family that will love her forever!." Precious Jubilee, after 600 days of wait and what looked like a closed door, has just met her momma....

There is rejoicing in heaven...and here too.... Congratulations Linny, Jubilee and family!

You give me hope and spur me on. You lift me up and inspire me when my spirit is dragging...

And Kat...your comment yesterday....thank you...bless you....your prayers mean more than you know. Thank you.

A message of Hope and Miracles...

The message at church today was about hope and miracles and praying for your own miracle. I prayed for Mame.....and my kids.....

I truly want to believe in a miracle....even after all this time. God's timing I cannot understand. I feel so urgent. As days, weeks, months, years pass...I feel..God how can THIS timing be right, as we all get older?

Most people have stopped asking.

Those that do, ask hesitantly.

Or they assume the worse. I have had two folks in the past month say something like, I don't think she is coming home. Or "they" are doing something wrong. (ie corrupt). Like how in the world could I keep hoping and believing?

Sad words

sad looks

There is no way I could explain to someone not in this journey how it could ever take this long. How we can wait month after month after month for a piece of paper, knowing nothing, yet still believing.

Our enemy does not want my daughter in a family. Does not want any of these children adopted. But what he has planned for ruin, God has planned for good. I don't know why He has allowed it to go on this long. I don't know why it is has come to this. But I don't for a minute believe that God does not want me to adopt Mame. He is all about the orphan and families.

Something so hard (and so long) just makes all the minor stuff so very very minor. .....

So sad looks, sad words..... I can handle it. One day this sadness will turn to joy, I believe that. Lord, I do believe that.

sad face...

i saw new pictures of my girl today.... and she has a sad face.....no hopeful, not smiling for the camera...

ah dear one, I know how hard it is to keep hoping, believing..... sometimes I sit and see it has been two years since i started this journey, and I just cannot believe it. it is unreal. your little sister has grown from 4 to 6, your big brothers from 7 and 9 to 9 and 11..... a lot of living in two years.....and a lot of longing. Its not fun waiting anymore, as if it ever was. But I use to get excited with photos and excited with trip reports and excited to look at my email and hope for news...

now it all makes me sad.....

God is close to the brokenhearted..... hold on sweet one, joy cometh.

More Hoops.......sigh...

yea, I know...it's small potatoes...but it seems like every time I think I am done, there is something else to do.

I am getting my home study updated. I have done everything the agency requires, and I sent my app with the requirements listed into the USCIS office.

I got a letter today, from the USCIS office that, of course there are MORE hoops to jump...even though they did not include it on the list of things is said I needed to send it to them, before.

sigh... so now more paper chasing. They want three things....one of which I don't remember how I get it.

Sigh..

weary of it all...but she is worth it.

Three Christmas Gifts....for Mame

Dear sweet daughter, not yet mine,

I cannot give you presents, at leatst not now, not the normal kind. Oh I do have for you a dolly, I have been saving since last year, and drawers full of clothes you keep outgrowing, without one tag taken off. Your growing little sister has enjoyed the "hand me downs". I have some books and hair bows and clips and pjs and robe.

But all of those will have to wait.

This Christmas, I have three OTHER gifts I am giving you....

Faith, Hope and Love.

Faith, in God our Abba, our daddy, who sees you, knows your heart, has good plans for you, for your future and is preparing a place for you, a family for you, love for you, that you do not know. Faith, because I know HE knows the timing and the exact moment when my hands will touch your face for the first time. I hold on to that faith in Him, for you...

Hope, that even when it looks darkest, longest, most overwhelming, to know how our God works and to hope in Him. To know we are on the edge of triumph and great joy. That those who sow in tears will reap in joy..and joy cometh in the morning...any morning now... I keep my Hope running bright, for you. And for "Hope", the place you have lived these past twenty-two months. For those who have fed you and clothed you and taught you in school. For the friendships and care.

Love, that I love you, when I have never yet met you. And that your brothers and sisters love you to. That we all know this love will grow, when we are united as a family. That we know our loving heavenly Father, Abba, is pouring out His love into our hearts and into yours. ...and we can love each other, because He first loved us....

Love is patient....

So I take these three gifts for you, faith, hope and love, and I wrap them all up in prayer and send them off for you.

Merry Christmas, dear Mame.... hold on yet a while longer.

Momma.

Check, check, check....

doctor visits - check
lab tests - check
medical reports - check
home visits - check
employment verifications - check
friend referrals - check
forms, forms, forms - check - check - check
three school teacher letters, - check
copies of birth certificates, government forms, applications, drs license, insurance cards, registrations...... - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check - check
fingerprints.... - check

Today I finished the last item I needed to do or collect for our homestudy update. Since it is over 18 months since the first one, it had to be done again. :(

All done, but the money. It is hard to find a big chunk of ..well not change...paperstuff...during this Christmas month. Praying the Lord will provide and help me squeeze it out through the cracks.

sigh....pray Mame goes to court SOOON and we pass....it is time, dear Lord, isn't it?

Hungry for hope......

ps. Note to self: There is nothing new that God did not already know, at the time I started this journey. He saw and knew it all in advance...and had it planned for. Hold fast!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, after a battle of flesh and spirit, my son, hungry for hope, asked me to read from a christian book we are reading together :How to make Brothers and Sisters Best Friends"? He was hungry for hope....and in the middle of discouragement and despair, was longing for a glimmer that things could be different....

We are all hungry for hope....as we wait on God.

Giving voice.....

....to our children....orphan or not.... Making them feel safe, loved, cared for heard...through giving them a voice to speak. Directing them to use good words, but helping them understand you are listening. Also nuturing the caregiver...momma or whoever... In Beyond Logic, Consequences and Control, one concept that keeps coming back to me, reproving its validity, is that the adult/parent in the situation has their own brokenness and needs healing, otherwise we react from our own pain.

Dr. Karyn Purvis on Giving Voice:

The Importance of Giving Voice to Children from Tapestry on Vimeo.

It must be love....

March 27th 2008 is when I recieved my referral for Mame. Was told most adoptions in Ethiopia are completed in 6 months. With all the hoops and paperwork (and money) and delays and failed court dates and changes in personnel and changes in policy and courts and law and .....

all of it...much more I won't mention here.... I am surprized in a way that I am still here. That the proverbial towel has not hit the floor and the fighter stumbled away.

But I am. Like I am with my children I already have at home, I am in love with my child and you take whatever comes. Doesn't mean you don't feel and reel from each punch, each blow, each gasp for breath as the air has been knocked out of you again..... It is hard to keep a sense of excited, frenzy, after 18 months of waiting and no end in sight. It is hard to get hopeful about any evaporating droplet of news.... (usually isn't any)... and when personnel changes once again, I get scared.

Will the "new folks" care about my daughter? Will the understand the urgency of her paperwork in the mountain of others? Will they take any personal, push it through action?

So fear stirs in my airless belly.

But then, I remember....

When I am afraid, I trust in God. He is my hope and Mame's. He is never suprized or sucker-punched. So I trust, pray and trust...and ache.

It must be love....

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control..

I am halfway through this book, after staying up to 1 am last night reading...and then a couple hours this morning.

It is profoundly resonating with me, as Karyn Purvis The Connected Child book (and her videos) did.

I feel the two really compliment each other. I have yet to apply my learning, but just the understanding alone is turning the light on my darkness of confusion, hopelessness and frustration.

I believe God works in so many ways in our lives, and a book is often one of his big ways in mine.

I felt so saddened and frustrated last week, when I tried to share with a teacher how a child with attachment challenges or who has come from "the hard places" (Karyn Purvis' term) reacts and handles correction differently, and their behavior challenges come from different motives.

I received no affirmation or even willingness that perhaps that could be true and just the response of "Well I don't know about that. All I know is the Bible and it says Children Obey."

It saddened me. Of course the Bible is full of wisdom and the very principles in this book and in the Connected Child are dripping with the gentleness, love, compassion, grace and understanding of Jesus. It feels like, with children, we often put them under the old testament law, versus the message of grace.

If we as adults cannot live under the law, if WE do what we don't want to do and don't do what we want, then why do we expect little souls to be successful under the law, rather than grace? Because it is easier, for us. It is black and white and clear and this equals that.

yet, hearts and little souls are not that cut and dry.

What I am praying now, as I learn things from this book, is not only how to apply that at home, in our family, but how I can help my children's teachers open up to what would encourage and reinforce connection and relationship, versus what would trigger fear and stress responses. It is not easy being a teacher, I know. It is not easy being a momma. And it really is not easy being a little child "from the hard places."

I highly recommend this book..for all adoptive parents, but I am also seeing in my other two, who have experienced the trauma of a divorce, abandonment, etc....it applies to them as well.

One pair of shoes...

This is so beautiful......(thanks Cris for sharing it)